Anna's World

the worst

i’ve always thought myself a good friend.

someone who will be loyal to you as long as we are.

sometimes even when we can’t call ourselves that anymore.

someone who will stand by your side.

even when you’re wrong.

very wrong.

someone who will listen to you.

take care of you.

but i realize now.

i realize that i’ve been a bad friend all along.

the worst kind.

the lowest of the low.

the kind that can’t tell you when you’re wrong.

i never have.

i’ve never blamed you.

even when it was obvious.

because you’re you.

and i’m me.

and the worst thing i can feel.

is when you’re hurt.

when you’re crying.

you never do.

when you’re pretending to be strong.

when you’re pretending like you’re angry.

when on the inside.

no matter how you pretend.

you’re sad.

i know it.

you think i don’t.

but i do.

you think i’m oblivious.

but i’ve always known when it came to you.

because that’s what friends do.

they’re understanding.

they’ve got your back.

even when every one else has turned away.

but friends tell you the truth.

they don’t lie to you.

because you know you can trust them.

and they should know that if anything.

secrets don’t make friends.

we always say it.

but somehow we just can’t bring ourselves to.

are we afraid?

do we really think that something as simple as the truth will ruin us?

i don’t think so.

i’d like to believe we’re better than that.

but i don’t know.

we’re proud people.

and i’m scared.

i’m scared because i’m wrong all the time.

all the time.

and you never tell me.

i’m scared that we’re bad friends.

when all along we just meant well.

and i’m scared that you’ll realize i’m the worst.

because i’m selfish.

and i’m scared of how thing will be when i’m a real friend.

but that’s what we all deserve.

people who care about us.

people who will tell us that we’re wrong.

people who will still care about us.

even when they think we’re wrong.

catalyst

something that participates in but is not consumed by a reaction

… makes reactions go faster

i found it on my floor.

and index card.

made me think about the events in my life.

fathers and daughters

today is my dad’s birthday.

i dont know how old he is.

63?

64?

it’s strange cause i only call him a couple times a year.

on his birthday.

when i need something.

i only see him a couple times a year.

when i come home.

when he has a day off.

when we’re both there.

when we’re in the living room.

when he comes home from work.

and my fondest memory of him was a tickle fight we had when i was like 5.

that was a long time ago.

how things have changed.

but i guess even then.

i never had to talk to him.

now that i can’t tickle him anymore.

or ask to be carried.

or make him to do my science project.

all that’s left is me and him.

sitting across from each other.

kinda avoiding eye contact.

eating.

watching tv.

what does a girl say to her dad?

besides happy birthday.

what a strange relationship we have.

dbsk forever

or so we thought.

i saw them together for the first time in two months.

even though they’re going through all this drama with sm i’d always thought that they’d love each other no matter what.

and even through all of this.

i’d always thought.

at least they have japan.

at least they’ll still be together as tohoshinki.

but today.

after seeing their performance.

and the distance between jaejoong and changmin.

i know.

every thing has changed.

they hate each other.

i didn’t think it was possible.

after being together for six years.

i thought they’d always love each other.

but i guess.

i guess not.

it's warm. it's fuzzy. a dog?

the holidays is a strange time of the year.

it’s cold outside.

which means you’re stuck inside.

with your blanket.

with your thoughts.

with your problems.

maybe it’s because every one around you is talking about love.

and forgiveness.

and caring.

that makes you think of all the things you regret.

all the people you regret.

or maybe it’s because you have nothing to do.

so you’re on your laptop.

and there they are.

still on your buddy list.

you never said you hated them.

to their face at least.

or maybe you did.

which makes it worse.

but you do.

or you did.

you don’t know.

but something makes you want to talk to them.

makes you want to say hey i miss you.

even though you really really really hate them.

because you do miss them.

a lot.

and you just hope they’ll reply.

and that every thing will be the same again.

you don’t need them to say sorry.

because you know.

they’re sorry.

and you.

you are too.

and you just hope that even if they don’t reply.

they’ll see what you’ve written.

and know that you still care.

no matter how much you’ve hurt each other.